Breaking the Cycle.
August 28th, 2007
One of my former 4-H members, Julia (not her real name) just told my co-leader and I that she is 2.5 months pregnant. She’s 15.
I am trying to think about this objectively, but I just can’t. This is one of my kids. Isn’t this why I volunteer? To prevent this shit from happening?
She told us that she wanted an abortion, but the doctor told her it would “mess up her insides.” Suspicious?
I suggested that my co-leader, S, take Julia to Planned Parenthood instead of whatever sheep-in-wolves-clothing “clinic” Julia found in the phonebook.
The problem is that, thinking abortion was no longer an option for her, she has announced the pregnancy.
S, in talking to me, mentioned that she could say she miscarried and stay with S for a couple of days until she recovers.
But Julia’s mom is not on board.
She wants to raise the baby.
She is married to an abusive drug addict. She has four children whom she cannot support. They are living in a tiny 2-bedroom apartment. They move every 6-9 months. One child, Julia, is pregnant. Her second child just ran away to his grandparents, claiming that his parents are beating him.
And now this woman wants to raise this baby? “Just until Julia is old enough.” Of course.
So, we talked to her about adoption. She said that it was her second choice, behind abortion. Clearly, she recognizes that she is not ready to be a mother.
But she would prefer an open adoption or adoption by a family that she knows.
I think that would be great except…
She’s fifteen. How likely is it that after 9 months of pregnancy, and a labor, and then a little adorable baby being placed on her tummy…. how likely is it that she will say good-bye?
Or will she think, “Hey look at that little thing that I made! I can do this, no problem.”
But as we all know, that adorable little baby turns into a tantruming toddler (at which point Julia would only be a senior in high school). And that’s just the beginning. What are the odds that the child turns into a 15-year old announcing her pregnancy?
When does this end?
I am so angry. I am angry at Julia for getting into this situation. She knows better. She’s intelligent. She wants to go to college and she is amazingly talented. But I understand, too. I understand that teenagers don’t think anything can happen to them. I am fairly convinced that she was pressured into having sex and that the boy has absolved himself of any responsibility. I’m sure she thought he loved her. I was 15 once, too.
But her mother. I want to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her. Yes, I know, it’s her grandchild. But what kind of woman has more allegiance to an unborn grandchild than to her own daughter? Why doesn’t she want better for her daughter than she has herself? Why does she think it is acceptable for her daughter to continue to live in poverty, indefinitely, because she wants a second chance at mothering? So many whys.
I hope S and I can help Julia. We want Julia to do what is right for her, what she wants to do. Not what her mother wants for her own sake.
This is Julia’s last chance to break this cycle.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:18 pm
Oh, this is all so sad. It’s frustrating that the abortion issue is so heated that we don’t talk about it with our daughters until it’s crisis time. And then they get guilt and confusion instead of nonjudgmental facts and support.
“But what kind of woman has more allegiance to an unborn grandchild than to her own daughter?”
Now that is a VERY good question.
August 28th, 2007 at 3:08 pm
“But what kind of woman has more allegiance to an unborn grandchild than to her own daughter? Why doesn’t she want better for her daughter than she has herself? Why does she think it is acceptable for her daughter to continue to live in poverty, indefinitely, because she wants a second chance at mothering?”
These are excellent points, things I can never put into words because I am too frustrated when I hear about this scenario. I can only hope my daughters have enough self esteem and self worth to escape a similar situation (and here’s to hoping they will still have legal options in the next 20 years!).
August 28th, 2007 at 8:33 pm
I’m not thrilled about teenagers having kids, but I think it’s also important to acknowledge that this isn’t her ‘last chance’ to have a different life. Having a baby doesn’t make things easier (hell I’m trying to study, work and raise a baby with a partner and supportive family and I’m more than ten years older and it’s still hard) but it doesn’t make it impossible either.
The wife of my partner’s cousin told me how badly, how disrespectfully, she was treated as an 18 year old pregnant woman. How her ability to mother competently was unacknowledged by everyone around her while they focussed on the disaster of unplanned pregnancy, instead of helping her to manage.
If she wants an abortion then she should get one, and the people around her should be supporting her (and you’re doing a great thing modelling a competant supportive mother when her own mother is unable to do so) but if she does have a baby, it doesn’t change the fact that she’s intelligent, and she wants to go to college. Hopefully she can see it as a further incentive to change her life.
August 29th, 2007 at 2:09 am
Isn’t women’s empowerment about letting women make choices for ourselves? Wouldn’t you rather Julia make her own decisions and grow up to be her own person than talk her into aborting her child against her will and have her live a lifetime of regret (which often includes depression and addiction)? Pro-choice, indeed.
August 29th, 2007 at 8:38 am
kate,
I didn’t say that no teenagers should have children. I am talking about this ONE teenager, whose situation I know very well. She has no model for good mothering, and her mother is determined to see to it that she is the ONLY influence in her life. I work with at-risk youth, and its a rare child who is able to escape. If you have experience with these kids that you would like to share, I would be happy to hear it. But most people talk about teen pregnancy in purely hypothetically. Yes, of course it is possible for her to go to college. But unlikely. Obviously, I will continue to support her and hope to have as much influence as I can as another mother.
The WSG,
I don’t remember saying that I made her decision. Perhaps you could point out that section of my post? Perhaps you missed the part where I said that she WANTED to have an abortion but her doctor deliberately misled her? Now she has little choice, and not because of my actions or anything that I have said. She came to the abortion decision before telling me about the pregnancy. I am trying to support HER decision with unbiased information about abortion safety. I didn’t even know she was pregnant until after she had spoken with her meddling doctor.
Quite frankly, you don’t know what the hell you are talking about. No comprehensive and unbiased studies have pointed to addiction or depression. That is nothing but propoganda put out by anti-choice people like yourself who “counsel” women after abortion. Even if it were true, it would be hard to say that the supposed guilt that women feel is do to the actual abortion and not to the pressue our culture puts on women to follow through with unwanted pregnancies at all costs. Most women describe a great sense of relief after an abortion. A very small percentage of women suffer depression afterwards, and the vast majority of those who do had pre-existing mental illnesses. However, I think a large percentage of women suffer post-partum depression, often lasting for years undiagnosed, so if that’s your only objection to abortion, you may want to reconsider your position on pregnancy as well.
This a feminist, proudly pro-choice blog. If you don’t like it, and can’t comment without snideness, you know where to find the door.